Friday, December 17, 2004

[grid::fatherhood]

Some people whose blogs I'm reading (Tim Bacon, Laurent Bossavit, Alan Francis) decided to "gridblog" today about fatherhood and how it may relate to software development. More specifically, the topic is: "what do you wish someone had told you".

Here's a comment I made to Laurent Bossavit, who wrote about the strong emotions he experienced in his role as a father:

Laurent, in my experience as a father of 2, the strong emotions you mention were one of the best things that ever happened to me. I am one of the intellectual types you describe, and I always felt it hard to express my feelings. Having kids made me relive many moments from my past and opened many wounds and old feelings I had repressed. Instead of making me a stranger to myself, being a father made me know my true forgotten/supressed self much better. I am still struggling with how to be a good father -- it will probably be a life-long struggle, but it's a fight worth fighting. Many people tend to avoid struggles like this (and of course trying to be a good husband is another struggle), they tend to live in a bubble that isolates them from painful frictions but also from discovering who they really are. If you avoid pain, you can't know joy.


This doesn't really qualify as advice to give to a prospective father, and has nothing really to do with software development. But I do have this advice to give to software developers who sometimes tend to live in the bubble I described above, and who dedicate their life to their work (I know, I was an workaholic too): become a father! The unavoidable struggles that will ensue: the sleepless nights; the diaper-changing; the interferences from your own parents; walking the fine line between wanting to help your kids and letting them struggle on their own; walking the fine line between being too authoritarian or too permissive; realizing that your kids are their own persons and not simply extensions of yourself; realizing that kids need to be allowed to express their feelings in all situations, even if this contradicts everything you were taught and shown in your own childhood; realizing that maybe you need to confront your own parents with painful memories and emotions --- all these things will polish your soul and your heart and will help you unveil your TRUE you.

As far as software development is concernded, I think the royal way to getting in touch with your creativity is to become child-like --- and what better way to achieve that than to become a father. It is the child within us who is really the source of our energy and enthusiasm.

1 comment:

timbacon said...

Very moving, and a lot to think on. Thanks for sharing,

Tim